The Nankipooh Enquirer
"Covers the South like Sorghum Syrup"
P. O. Box 1849
Nankipooh, Georgia
Editor in Chief: Colonel Bascomb Biggers
Ace Reporter : Scoop Biggers bascombbiggers@bellsouth.net
A lot of folks have been asking me where I stand on the issues, besides hating all of the lying Skunks and Polecats up in DC.
Well there are four big issues facing the country today.
1. Immigration
2. Money
3. Jobs
4. Terrorists
Well first let me say that when it comes to our borders, that I believe we should have regular patrols to keep them folks from down in Columbus from sneaking in up here in Nankipooh. I also understand that there has been a few of them Roosevelt Liberals from over in Warm Springs coming over here to our barn dances.
When it comes to the broader issue, I ain't wanting none of them folks from Alabama or Tennessee coming around here neither. Now my kin folks came to Nankipooh from South Carolina a few hundred years ago, so I guess them folks are alright, but we don't want none of them Yankees sneaking up here from Florida though.
Now when you start talking about money, it’s a tough subject, since most of the folks around Nankipooh ain't got much of it. It seems like the government and the banks got most of the money, and they ain't spreading it around too much. The big Federal Bank up in DC just keeps giving the littler banks money for free, and they use it to buy up mortgages and other banks. The 1st Nankipooh Bank wouldn't even lend old Bascomb any money to put more stock in the Nankipooh General Store. A bunch of folks around here is trading with each other, since they ain't got no money, but I understand that the government is trying to figure out how to put a tax on that too.
Maybe the best thing would be for us to print our own money down here in Nankipooh and not use none of them DC greenbacks. We ain't got none anyway. Course the Skunks and Polecats up in DC won't allow that either, since they are the only ones allowed to print money to pay bills, that they ain't got no money for. So I say let's do away with money and go back to using gold and silver, or just trading with one another.
Now the hardest thing is how to come up with some more jobs. Maybe the farmers could take on folks to help them, and teach them how to farm, and then after they have learned, they could give them a little strip of land of their own to farm. Old Bascomb is willing to take on a helper at the Nankipooh General Store and teach him how to be a store keeper in exchange for him running the soft drink department on a commission basis.
There is a lot of folks that ain't got a job cause they don't know how to do what people is paying for. Maybe the Mayor of Nankipooh could teach some folks about politics, since there seems to be a lot of work for politicians. It also seems that the government and the banks ought to be hiring since they got all the money. If folks don't work, they can't spend money or pay taxes, and that's what it takes to keep things running
As far as Terrorism goes, I saw a bunch of them kids from over in Double Churches running around over here in Nankipooh stealing apples and spray painting folk’s barns. I done called the county sheriff to do something about those brats, since that is one of the main jobs that the government is supposed to do. Protecting the citizens, as a matter of fact, is supposed to be the number one job of the government. Course, the sheriff we got right now don’t seem to have much time for that, since he is always spending his time pitching horse shoes, or making speeches about how things really ain’t all that bad.
Now the one thing we all got to learn to get through hard times, is that you can't buy things that you ain't got no money for. If you are in debt, you can't borrow your way out of debt, just like you can't dig yourself out of a hole! That goes for folks in Nankipooh as well as the Skunks and Polecats up in DC!
"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so!"
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Bascomb Biggers for President
Make "Real Value" the National Objective!
PLATFORM PLANK #9-Make Fried Catfish the National Dinner
